10 Classics in 10 Minutes
I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to dive into this book. Though familiar with all of classics that filled the 45 magnificent pages, I had only read one of them: Romeo & Juliet. When I saw this book on the shelf, I thought to myself, "Here's a way to finally read these books I don't give a shit about without having to actually read them. Genius!"
Since this is essentially an anthology, I decided to write a review for each of the stories contained withing the 45 beautiful, nuanced, and powerful pages.
Moby Dick - I always thought I would hate Moby Dick. I was right. Even the shortened version was loooooooooong and booooooooooooring and Victooooooooooorian. I suppose there's somethign to be said for all the walking, pacing, plotting, and describing. That something is, God damn. You can't deny Melville's flair for the dramatic, what with the whole Ahab strapped to the Great White Whale thing, but...what of the symbolism. A peg-legged captain of an all male crewed ship, bound to a giant, white sperm whale kinda reeks of homosexuality and BDSM...but maybe that's just me.
Gone With The Wind - What a bunch of whiners. This book is an example of rich people complaining about rich people problems and me not giving a shit. What about the glorification of the South is appealing? Maybe it's because I'm not from south of the Mason-Dixon, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't give a shit. Like Moby Dick, I found myself bored by the repetitive nature of his Victorian era novel. Everyone loves and loses like 9 millions times, and, not once, did I care. Oh, and the only person who has any sort of worth is Mammy, and nobody cares about her because she's black. If Gone With The Wind were black, I'd be a racist.
The Adventures of Robin Hood - The best part of this book is definitely Alan Rickman.
The Grapes of Wrath - What's more depressing than a poor family getting poorer? Oh yeah, people dying along the way, not achieving their goals, and the inability to be absolved from their sins. At least Seabiscuit had a happy ending.
Romeo & Juliet - Since this was the only "classic," I figured I'd share some things I learned.
1. R&J is a family feud that can be boiled down to Villains v. Fools. In mind my mind, it's a lot like the early versions of the Richard Dawson incantation of Family Feud when he felt a little weird kissing the black woman. The only problem with this analogy is that Richard Dawson has to be labeled either a villain or a fool. That is obviously the only problem. Obviously.
2. It is completely acceptable to kiss, and fall passionately in love with, a 13 year old girl as long as you're a white male (see Great Balls Of Fire for a modern example).
3. Kissing a teenage girl that is on a balcony leads to marriage. Thankfully this is not a truth that survived the test of time. If it had, far too many of my friends would have gotten married during high school (most of them on my balcony).
4. Sword fights in R&J lead to banishment...just like Wrigley Field.
5. Faking one's death is always a viable option, especially when your father is being a dick.
6. If you stab yourself in the heart, make sure that the person you are stabbing yourself in the heart for is actually dead, for if they are not, you will look a fool, and not even the phone that Queen Latifa keeps in her clevage will be able to save you. Yes, I just made a Bringing Down The House reference - deal.
The Great Gatsby - This is another book about rich people with rich people problems, and, surprise, surprise, I don't give a fuck. Raccoon coats, pencil mustaches, long gloves, and stupid crybaby people drowning their problems in alcohol. I wish I had more to say, but that would mean I have to take the time to care about Daisy, Tom, Nick, Myrtle, and Jay, and that is something I am not willing to do.
A Streetcar Named Desire - This made me think about that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine goes to Del Boca Vista with Jerry, sleeps on the hide-a-bed, fucks up her back, and then ends up taking a bunch of muscle relaxers, which messes her up and, and then she screams "Stella!" at the brunch. That ruled. AND THEN I remembered the space pen, and I laughed at that too. Oh hey, remember when Stanley rapes Blanche? What a bummer.
Alice In Wonderland - Just to get it out of the way, Lewis Carroll was a weird dude. Ok, I can move on. The most overwhelming thing about this story is how God damn stupid Alice is. I know she's 10, but Christ. Ok, Alice get's bored, chases a vest wearing rabbit down a whole, and then proceeds to drink/eat things just because they say "Eat/Drink Me." That's retarded. As far as the story goes, it's interesting and all, but is far too episodic without anything really happening. I mean, ultimately, what does Alice learn? Not to bother her sister? Not to chase vest wearing rabbits? Don't piss off imaginary royalty? Weak sauce.
Oliver Twist - Boy for sale! Some of you already know my thoughts on Dickens (and Dickensian literature in general), but for those who don't, here it is: too many words. This one page version even had too many words. I will not contribute to this unfortunate trend, so here's my one word review: convenient.
The Odyssey - Homer gives us one of the most enduring stories in literature. Homer also gives us one of the most enduring dicks in literature: Odysseus. Instead of returning home to his wife, Penelope, he hangs out with the beautiful nymph, Calypso...FOR 10 YEARS! Odysseus finally leaves, deals with a few things (Cyclopes, sirens, six-headed monster - pish posh), and gets home to the loving arms of Penelope. Now, I could deal with Odysseus' dick-hood (ha, dick-hood; like foreskin. I'm so funny) if he were actually a hero, but he's not. He's a lucky son-of-a-bitch who has his ass saved by the Gods because in Greek literature, that's what the Gods do...because they get bored. Odysseus is totally that guy who we all went to high school with who no one actually likes, yet somehow remains uber popular and dates the hottest girl in school, but still gets hand-jobs, blow-jobs, and rim-jobs from hot sophomore girls. The only solace that comes from this is that we all know that Odysseus will drop out of community college, work for his dad, get fat, knock up a girl that isn't his girlfriend, and continue to suck at life until he dies. Now, that's the story I want to read.
All-in-all, I liked 10 Classics in 10 Minutes because it saved me from actually reading books I didn't want to read in the first place.
I give it 3/5 Anthonys
