Monday, August 17, 2009

Review A Popular Blog Or Website About Your Topic #1

*All of the links are completely worth clicking on (there's nothing graphic, so no need worry).

I decided on Pat Doyle's list of blog ideas was that it gave me structure, but also allowed me to do whatever the fuck I wanted to do. Today, I revel in that very notion.

Since my blog "topic" is vague and random (well, random to you, my readers; t all makes sense in my head (scary thought, I know)), I wanted to review something that everyone is at least a little bit interested in.

My topic came to mind rather quickly, which was encouraging at first, but mildly disturbing (you'll see in a minute) after I spent a good hour scouring the web for the perfect blog/website to review.

Want to know what the I decided on?

Do you?

I'm sure you do.

I know would.

This is how you...



Ok, enough dicking around. My topic...


Using WikiFur, I will inform both you (my audience) and myself (me) about the world of the Furry.

Ok, maybe interested wasn't the right word.

First off, for those who don't know what a wiki is, let me enlighten you. A wiki is essentially a collaborative website that has content submitted, edited, and (potentially) removed by those who can access it. The most popular (and obvious) wiki is Wikipedia. There is a wiki for pretty much everything, which is both awesome and insanely weird (see this blog).

I'm not presuming you're unintelligent, but since I went out of my way to define what a wiki is, I should probably define a Furry. When I typed "furry" into WikiFur, the main definition is as follows: "The word furry has several meanings, dependent on the context in which it is used. Predominantly, it means 'consisting of or resembling fur.' It also pertains to an interest in anthropomorphic animals and/or mythological or imaginary creatures which possess human or superhuman capabilities. The plural form of Furry in all its contexts is furs or Furries; the subjects of Furry interest are also known as Furries. "

Kind of confusing, isn't it. To clear things up, please enjoy the following...ummm...pictoral definitions of Furries.

(Shirt-dress Furry)

(Parade of Furries)

(Reverse Sea Lion Furries)

(Klingon v. Furries)

(Ski Patrol Furries)

(Lion Piledriving Pigeon Furries)

(Staff of Ra Furry)

(Dire Straits Furries)

(The Family That Sheds Together, Stays Together Furries)

(1980's Cartoon Furries)

After perusing the Furry page on WikiFur for a while, I clicked on a link for the definition of Furries; apparently it's different.

It was not different, but it did lead me to a proverbial gold mine of Furry information. I found out there are 7 types of Furries. What follows is WikiFur's list with my own...insights.

1. Humans who want to be anthropomorphic beings, which means they want to be like this guy.

2. Humans who are members of the Furry Fandom (also called Furrydom, Furridom, Fur Fandom, Furdom; I would love to study the etymological differences between all of those, by the way). Furdom (the term I prefer (like my opinion matters)) spans the entire Furry world, which stretches from people who are into Star Fox to people who dress up like a fox and then have sex with someone else who is dressed like a chicken.

3. Humans who enjoy to draw, or can only draw, anthropomorphic beings. Apparently that's why Hitler failed out of art school. And in case you're wondering, I found this (Furries know no bounds!).

4. Humans who believe they have a spiritual connection to a particular animal. All I'm going to say is that there is a big difference between this kind of spirituality and this kind of spirituality.

5. Humans who enjoy dressing up in an anthropomorphic costume, and we're not talking about those fine folks who dress up as Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse and run around theme parks. It's definitely more like a tickle fight on a Twister mat.

6. Humans who are sexually attracted to anthropomorphic beings. For those of you who are interested in a fantastic book for either your coffee table or your bedroom, this exists.

7. Humans who practice FIAWOL, which is an acronym for Fandom Is A Way Of Life. Now, this is something that exists outside of the Furry world (my favorite being this guy from Trekkies), so I can't rip on it too bad. Fuck that, yes I can. BA BAM!

As I was looking around WikiFur, I kept coming across the term yiff (or yiffing). Obviously, I looked it up. It's seems that yiff started out as an onomatopoetic word used by Foxen, who could be some sort of roleplaying character (it's mentioned in passing) or doesn't exist at all (and someone just had a hard-on for these guys). Anyway, in Foxen's language, yiff either meant yes or hello. That's very much not what it means now. Today, yiff (or yiffing) is the sex act committed between two Furries. Awesome.

Weird. Well, at least that's what I thought, until I came across The Yiffy Guide To Safer Sex (this one is kinda graphic, but totally worth checking out). Basically it's a pamphlet that could be handed out at any safe sex talk...accept it as nudy pics of foxes, skunks, dogs, deer, and something that looks like a mercat.

I can't think of anything that this site doesn't have. Over the course of an evening, I've managed to learn more than everything I ever wanted to know about Furries. In fact, I've decided that WikiFur is such a wonderful, informative website, that I will revisit it for Find Some Offbeat Or Weird Website On Your Topic And Link To It, which is Pat Doyle's #13 blog idea.

Anyway, WikiFur is a pretty fantastic way to not only kill time, but also educate yourself on wonderful world of Furries.

5/5 Puppy Erics

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Product Review #1

It took me a little while, but I finally figured out how to handle this product review: standard product, not standard application. Today's product: Crest Whitening Plus Scope.

Before I dove into the varied product tests, it seemed necessary to start by looking at the packaging. The box and tube (hee hee) immediately bombards you with all the fantastic features of Crest Whitening Plus Scope. It strengthens enamel (how thoughtful), totes itself as a "fluoride anticavity toothpaste" (isn't everyone anticavity?), fights tarter (I'm not even sure what tarter is, but I know I don't want it), freshens breath (I would hope so), and "whitens teeth by gently removing surface stains" (I love this idea, but I can't help but wonder how). Did I mention that it is "minty fresh striped?" Did I mention that? Minty fresh striped. I totally did, 'cause it is...minty fresh striped. Ha. Cha.

An aside: The tube actually says this: "For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom and flatten as you go up." Now, all you mother fuckers who squeeze from the middle of the tube are not only pissing off the the people who do it the right way (yeah, I'm saying there's a right and a wrong way to squeeze the fucking toothpaste), but also, apparently, not maximizing your results. The way you squeeze the tube affects how well the toothpaste works. Yup. Makes a lot of sense. Way to go Crest.

Time to get started with the testing. I had to have a control, in this case, to use Crest Whitening Plus Scope in the way intended - as a toothpaste.

Prep: I cleaned my toothbrush with peroxide and warm water to try and rid it of any residue from other toothpastes I have used. To be honest, I was a little grossed out by how much the peroxide bubbled, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it does go in my mouth twice a day (that's what she said).

Execution: I used the recommended dosage and brushed my teeth for approximately 1 minute, combining circular, horizontal, and verticle brush strokes. I cleaned my teeth well.

Outcome: Upon finishing, my mouth tasted great, my teeth felt clean, and my smile was brighter than it was before. Overall, satisfied.

Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as directed, 5/5 Anthonys

With the control test out of the way, it was time to get experimental. For the first alternate use, I tried Crest Whitening Plus Scope as a chapstick.

Prep: I dried my lips out as much as possible, first by not licking them and second by rubbing salt on them (which was grosser than expected). With my lips sufficiently dry, I coated them with toothpaste.

Execution: I liberally applied Crest Whitening Plus Scope to my lips. At first, it felt like I'd rubbed Vix Vapor Rub on my them - it kinda burned. The minty-ness became rough after a while, especially on my eyes; the vapors continually drifted upwards and made them water.

(I thought about changing this picture considering it looks like I'm blowing cum bubbles, but that just made me laugh, which is why I'm keeping it.)

Outcome: After having Crest Whitening Plus Scope on my lips for 5 minutes, I was having a really hard time focusing on anything other than how much my lips burned. I went to wash it off my lips and, God damn, I looked like a crack head. Even after I washed it off, my lips continued to burn and my eyes continued to sting. Did my lips feel less chapped? I couldn't tell, they were too busy feeling shitty.

Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as chapstick 2/5 Anthonys

After the chapstick, I was not looking forward to my next alternate use - facewash.

Prep: This was all mental preparation. I really, really didn't want to do this, but I had already committed myself.

Execution: I started out with a handful of Crest Whitening Plus Scope was all downhill from there. As soon as I put it on my face, I knew it was going to be rough. I carefully spread it around, trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid my eyes. Rubbing it into the beard wasn't fun either; it felt like rubbing peanut butter into a Brillo pad.

Outcome: I could not prepare myself enough for the burning that took place during and after the toothpaste facewash. While it was on, I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds. It was like someone was spraying Banaca directly into my eyes. It sucked.
There was something good that came out of this though - the fresh feeling my face had after I washed the Crest Whitening Plus Scope off my face. Yes it burned, but it kinda felt I had ice on my face. The fresh sensation lasted for a while, but the stinging of the eyes lasted longer. Any sentiment for a nice feeling went away as my eyes continued to burn. While I do not recommend doing this (especially because my eyes still kinda hurt), but it could have been way worse.

Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as facewash, 2/5 Anthonys

The last experiment may be the worse one. At one point in all of our lives, probably as a child, we ate toothpaste. Well, I figured it was time (about God damn time) to see what a toothpaste and jelly sandwich would taste like.

Prep: As the bread thawed, I readied the jelly (more accurately, Smucker's Strawberry Preserves) and Crest Whitening Plus Scope, I couldn't help but get that unfortunate feeling that usually accompanies a wicked bowel movement.

Execution: I spread the jelly first, and then the toothpaste. I opened my mouth, closed my eyes, and took a bite. I chewed it a few times. A few more. Holy shit. I don't really know how to describe the flavor combination of strawberry preserves and mint toothpaste other than like eating a strawberry popcicle while licking a 9volt battery. Fucking disgusting.

Crest Whitening Plus Scope used in a sandwich with strawberry preserves 0/5 Anthonys

After today's journey into the unknown, I can safely say that Crest Whitening Plus Scope should really only be used as directed.

Friday, July 31, 2009

Write A Book Review #1

10 Classics in 10 Minutes

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to dive into this book. Though familiar with all of classics that filled the 45 magnificent pages, I had only read one of them: Romeo & Juliet. When I saw this book on the shelf, I thought to myself, "Here's a way to finally read these books I don't give a shit about without having to actually read them. Genius!"

Since this is essentially an anthology, I decided to write a review for each of the stories contained withing the 45 beautiful, nuanced, and powerful pages.

Moby Dick - I always thought I would hate Moby Dick. I was right. Even the shortened version was loooooooooong and booooooooooooring and Victooooooooooorian. I suppose there's somethign to be said for all the walking, pacing, plotting, and describing. That something is, God damn. You can't deny Melville's flair for the dramatic, what with the whole Ahab strapped to the Great White Whale thing, but...what of the symbolism. A peg-legged captain of an all male crewed ship, bound to a giant, white sperm whale kinda reeks of homosexuality and BDSM...but maybe that's just me.

Gone With The Wind - What a bunch of whiners. This book is an example of rich people complaining about rich people problems and me not giving a shit. What about the glorification of the South is appealing? Maybe it's because I'm not from south of the Mason-Dixon, I don't know. What I do know is that I don't give a shit. Like Moby Dick, I found myself bored by the repetitive nature of his Victorian era novel. Everyone loves and loses like 9 millions times, and, not once, did I care. Oh, and the only person who has any sort of worth is Mammy, and nobody cares about her because she's black. If Gone With The Wind were black, I'd be a racist.

The Adventures of Robin Hood - The best part of this book is definitely Alan Rickman.

The Grapes of Wrath - What's more depressing than a poor family getting poorer? Oh yeah, people dying along the way, not achieving their goals, and the inability to be absolved from their sins. At least Seabiscuit had a happy ending.

Romeo & Juliet - Since this was the only "classic," I figured I'd share some things I learned.

1. R&J is a family feud that can be boiled down to Villains v. Fools. In mind my mind, it's a lot like the early versions of the Richard Dawson incantation of Family Feud when he felt a little weird kissing the black woman. The only problem with this analogy is that Richard Dawson has to be labeled either a villain or a fool. That is obviously the only problem. Obviously.

2. It is completely acceptable to kiss, and fall passionately in love with, a 13 year old girl as long as you're a white male (see Great Balls Of Fire for a modern example).

3. Kissing a teenage girl that is on a balcony leads to marriage. Thankfully this is not a truth that survived the test of time. If it had, far too many of my friends would have gotten married during high school (most of them on my balcony).

4. Sword fights in R&J lead to banishment...just like Wrigley Field.

5. Faking one's death is always a viable option, especially when your father is being a dick.

6. If you stab yourself in the heart, make sure that the person you are stabbing yourself in the heart for is actually dead, for if they are not, you will look a fool, and not even the phone that Queen Latifa keeps in her clevage will be able to save you. Yes, I just made a Bringing Down The House reference - deal.

The Great Gatsby - This is another book about rich people with rich people problems, and, surprise, surprise, I don't give a fuck. Raccoon coats, pencil mustaches, long gloves, and stupid crybaby people drowning their problems in alcohol. I wish I had more to say, but that would mean I have to take the time to care about Daisy, Tom, Nick, Myrtle, and Jay, and that is something I am not willing to do.

A Streetcar Named Desire - This made me think about that episode of Seinfeld when Elaine goes to Del Boca Vista with Jerry, sleeps on the hide-a-bed, fucks up her back, and then ends up taking a bunch of muscle relaxers, which messes her up and, and then she screams "Stella!" at the brunch. That ruled. AND THEN I remembered the space pen, and I laughed at that too. Oh hey, remember when Stanley rapes Blanche? What a bummer.

Alice In Wonderland - Just to get it out of the way, Lewis Carroll was a weird dude. Ok, I can move on. The most overwhelming thing about this story is how God damn stupid Alice is. I know she's 10, but Christ. Ok, Alice get's bored, chases a vest wearing rabbit down a whole, and then proceeds to drink/eat things just because they say "Eat/Drink Me." That's retarded. As far as the story goes, it's interesting and all, but is far too episodic without anything really happening. I mean, ultimately, what does Alice learn? Not to bother her sister? Not to chase vest wearing rabbits? Don't piss off imaginary royalty? Weak sauce.

Oliver Twist - Boy for sale! Some of you already know my thoughts on Dickens (and Dickensian literature in general), but for those who don't, here it is: too many words. This one page version even had too many words. I will not contribute to this unfortunate trend, so here's my one word review: convenient.

The Odyssey - Homer gives us one of the most enduring stories in literature. Homer also gives us one of the most enduring dicks in literature: Odysseus. Instead of returning home to his wife, Penelope, he hangs out with the beautiful nymph, Calypso...FOR 10 YEARS! Odysseus finally leaves, deals with a few things (Cyclopes, sirens, six-headed monster - pish posh), and gets home to the loving arms of Penelope. Now, I could deal with Odysseus' dick-hood (ha, dick-hood; like foreskin. I'm so funny) if he were actually a hero, but he's not. He's a lucky son-of-a-bitch who has his ass saved by the Gods because in Greek literature, that's what the Gods do...because they get bored. Odysseus is totally that guy who we all went to high school with who no one actually likes, yet somehow remains uber popular and dates the hottest girl in school, but still gets hand-jobs, blow-jobs, and rim-jobs from hot sophomore girls. The only solace that comes from this is that we all know that Odysseus will drop out of community college, work for his dad, get fat, knock up a girl that isn't his girlfriend, and continue to suck at life until he dies. Now, that's the story I want to read.

All-in-all, I liked 10 Classics in 10 Minutes because it saved me from actually reading books I didn't want to read in the first place.

I give it 3/5 Anthonys