Before I dove into the varied product tests, it seemed necessary to start by looking at the packaging. The box and tube (hee hee) immediately bombards you with all the fantastic features of Crest Whitening Plus Scope. It strengthens enamel (how thoughtful), totes itself as a "fluoride anticavity toothpaste" (isn't everyone anticavity?), fights tarter (I'm not even sure what tarter is, but I know I don't want it), freshens breath (I would hope so), and "whitens teeth by gently removing surface stains" (I love this idea, but I can't help but wonder how). Did I mention that it is "minty fresh striped?" Did I mention that? Minty fresh striped. I totally did, 'cause it is...minty fresh striped. Ha. Cha.
An aside: The tube actually says this: "For best results, squeeze tube from the bottom and flatten as you go up." Now, all you mother fuckers who squeeze from the middle of the tube are not only pissing off the the people who do it the right way (yeah, I'm saying there's a right and a wrong way to squeeze the fucking toothpaste), but also, apparently, not maximizing your results. The way you squeeze the tube affects how well the toothpaste works. Yup. Makes a lot of sense. Way to go Crest.
Time to get started with the testing. I had to have a control, in this case, to use Crest Whitening Plus Scope in the way intended - as a toothpaste.
Prep: I cleaned my toothbrush with peroxide and warm water to try and rid it of any residue from other toothpastes I have used. To be honest, I was a little grossed out by how much the peroxide bubbled, but I guess I shouldn't be surprised - it does go in my mouth twice a day (that's what she said).
Execution: I used the recommended dosage and brushed my teeth for approximately 1 minute, combining circular, horizontal, and verticle brush strokes. I cleaned my teeth well.
Outcome: Upon finishing, my mouth tasted great, my teeth felt clean, and my smile was brighter than it was before. Overall, satisfied.
Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as directed, 5/5 Anthonys
With the control test out of the way, it was time to get experimental. For the first alternate use, I tried Crest Whitening Plus Scope as a chapstick.
Prep: I dried my lips out as much as possible, first by not licking them and second by rubbing salt on them (which was grosser than expected). With my lips sufficiently dry, I coated them with toothpaste.
Execution: I liberally applied Crest Whitening Plus Scope to my lips. At first, it felt like I'd rubbed Vix Vapor Rub on my them - it kinda burned. The minty-ness became rough after a while, especially on my eyes; the vapors continually drifted upwards and made them water.
(I thought about changing this picture considering it looks like I'm blowing cum bubbles, but that just made me laugh, which is why I'm keeping it.)
Outcome: After having Crest Whitening Plus Scope on my lips for 5 minutes, I was having a really hard time focusing on anything other than how much my lips burned. I went to wash it off my lips and, God damn, I looked like a crack head. Even after I washed it off, my lips continued to burn and my eyes continued to sting. Did my lips feel less chapped? I couldn't tell, they were too busy feeling shitty.
Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as chapstick 2/5 Anthonys
After the chapstick, I was not looking forward to my next alternate use - facewash.
Prep: This was all mental preparation. I really, really didn't want to do this, but I had already committed myself.
Execution: I started out with a handful of Crest Whitening Plus Scope and...fuck...it was all downhill from there. As soon as I put it on my face, I knew it was going to be rough. I carefully spread it around, trying, unsuccessfully, to avoid my eyes. Rubbing it into the beard wasn't fun either; it felt like rubbing peanut butter into a Brillo pad.
Outcome: I could not prepare myself enough for the burning that took place during and after the toothpaste facewash. While it was on, I couldn't keep my eyes open for more than a few seconds. It was like someone was spraying Banaca directly into my eyes. It sucked.
There was something good that came out of this though - the fresh feeling my face had after I washed the Crest Whitening Plus Scope off my face. Yes it burned, but it kinda felt good...like I had ice on my face. The fresh sensation lasted for a while, but the stinging of the eyes lasted longer. Any sentiment for a nice feeling went away as my eyes continued to burn. While I do not recommend doing this (especially because my eyes still kinda hurt), but it could have been way worse.Crest Whitening Plus Scope used as facewash, 2/5 Anthonys
The last experiment may be the worse one. At one point in all of our lives, probably as a child, we ate toothpaste. Well, I figured it was time (about God damn time) to see what a toothpaste and jelly sandwich would taste like.
Prep: As the bread thawed, I readied the jelly (more accurately, Smucker's Strawberry Preserves) and Crest Whitening Plus Scope, I couldn't help but get that unfortunate feeling that usually accompanies a wicked bowel movement.
Execution: I spread the jelly first, and then the toothpaste. I opened my mouth, closed my eyes, and took a bite. I chewed it a few times. A few more. Holy shit. I don't really know how to describe the flavor combination of strawberry preserves and mint toothpaste other than like eating a strawberry popcicle while licking a 9volt battery. Fucking disgusting.
Crest Whitening Plus Scope used in a sandwich with strawberry preserves 0/5 Anthonys
After today's journey into the unknown, I can safely say that Crest Whitening Plus Scope should really only be used as directed.
Thanks for doing this; I bet there are millions of Americans (maybe even a few Eastern Europeans and South Africans) considering one or all of these alternate applications.
ReplyDeleteIf you would like to further enhance your toothbrushing experience, swing by your local Whole Foods and pick up a Radius toothbrush. Takes some getting used to, but you'll never look back.
ReplyDeletewell, no one can fault you for being faint of heart. we all appreciate your strange brand of commitment. :) Nicely done.
ReplyDeletehow did you not talk about this last night?! fucking hilarious, nic! (so much funnier than any book review, ps)
ReplyDeleteHilarious made my afternoon. However not a sensetive toothpaste. I think if you had a talking zit on ones face like Chris from family Guy and you covered it in crest with scope it would be like burning in hell.
ReplyDeleteGood thing the chapstick look was at home. People could think you had a bad case of that crusty white shit on your lips that gross unkept people get in the corners of there mouths.
Covering your face WOW!! a great zombie look. Does it foam up when you wash it off?
Jelly and crest sandwich I would think it would taste like a very old popsicle found at the bottom of the freezer.
However a great and funny review overall. I will not be using crest with scope. I give it 5 Anthonys for hilarious and in bold writing Warning do not use in the hilarious ways that are written. If you do please don't call us send pictures.
So, just what do you have against crack heads? They smoke the crack that we don't want to fall into the hands of our children. Did you know that floride can kill you if ingested? That's why there's a poison control number on the tube? Did it have a flip top or a screw top? Just remember, the reason we have more tooth decay now than 20 years ago, is because now people drink bottled water, that is not florinated, like your drinking water. Remember, just ignore your teeth and they'll go away, ask anyone from the south! Will you take requests for product testing, if so, I would like to get a test on mouthwash. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteOh man the picture of you with it on your face is amazing. This was hilarious, I'm trying not to laugh out loud since I'm at work, and everyone is looking at me snickering at my computer :) I need more product reviews!!
ReplyDelete